I think I’m being sued#
I have some debt and I haven’t been paying it off. I think the bank is suing me. I’ve been busy trying to make sure my mom hasn’t given out her debt card to a wild pack of Indians and pushing the ‘kill yourself’ thoughts away. So that’s another thing to deal with.
I signed up for an EKG tech course. I haven’t had a job in forever and this looks like something that I’ll do and hopefully this bank court stuff wont get in the way. I mean I don’t need a lot to push me over the edge, things are pretty rocky already. When the end of the month comes and my mom ends up on the street and I won’t be able to help her, I will be able to rely on EKG class and court as things to look forward to. I haven’t had so many exciting things on the horizon in forever.
The cats have been fighting. Little chunks of hair were out around the lanai. I am grieving over a dead mother while she’s still alive but strangely things are hopeful. Signing up for the classes have put me on a track, and I know how to be a good student. I know how to do that. Maybe I land a programming job right as the classes start, which is probably going to happen for maximum irony. In that situation I would still finish the classes and start work at the end. Who knows. Right now I feel like I can’t keep anything together. Its held together by cats and scotch tape. A duty to keep things clean for my Aunt and making sure she has something decent to eat. I can feel a tinge of self preservation from joining class. The muay thai I was doing in the past months feels like its gone. I’ll replace it with kettlebells and running. Nothing matters. My mom is going to die, I am going to die. Some stuff will happen in the middle. If I’m lucky I will find some hope somewhere and be able to turn that into something respectable. Man. I am hopeless.
If you let yourself fall apart. Really fall apart. It’s hard to put yourself back together
I think I’ve let myself be motivated by things like guilt and grief for a long time. And that’s a weird thing to be motivated by. Trying to be motivated by hope or self preservation or a care to make things better for myself feel foreign. I almost have to tap into anger to do it. Angry I let myself get like this. Angry I lied to myself that I could explain things to my mom in a way she would listen. Angry I wasted so much time over nothing. Literally nothing. Ok.. yes. powered by hate for myself. healthier? not sure.