there is a place in your heart and I know that it is love#
Micheal Jackson is the fucking best. Hollywood, Diddy, Ellen, the pedoelites. What a strange time we are stuck in. Ok. Today I can do something. I am capable. Make something and apply to jobs. Ok. Move over the little toy apps to the new domain and add to it. How am I ever going to stop all the negative self talk. It’s terrible. A non-stop internal (sometimes external) audio track of the worst put downs. What are we even doing?
calling mom today#
Nervous about this. There is this idea I’ve come across recently about moms raising sons that are sort of groomed to be bad people. To act like kings and expect strange things out of the world or girlfriends because their mom raised them in a way that is kind of crazy. I think there’s some truth to it. My mom was convinced I was some sort of genius and was really trying to manifest a world saving, card carrying mensa member. There were so many weird expectations I had in early relationships because of what I thought a relationship was, by watching my parents. Everyone grows up thinking the stuff that goes on in their house is normal. There are probably some households where the kids grow up in terrible conditions and think “this is fucked up and not right”, and I think there is a phase all kids get where they think nothing their parents do is right. Most of it probably isn’t malicious. I want to believe that most parents are trying to do their best but they just dont know any better, and bad parenting/raising of children is borne out of ignorance and a lack of knowledge/care/effort. Life is not easy and kids will make things more difficult and complicated. Sometimes I feel like having a kid would help me feel more connected to the world and give me a reason for existing. Which may be true. It’s not a great reason to have kids though. I want a kid because it’ll fix me. This is not going to work the way it’s imagined, and the cost is ruining two other peoples lives. That’s pretty big for an experiment to cure depression.
pathetic#
I used to be a lot better than this. tougher, stronger, more resilient, not so fall apart. This is something I Need to stop doing also. Telling myself that I used to be able to do stuff better, more reliably, etc. That’s not helping. There’s a lot not helping. Stop being a sorry, sad sack. Do things. Make things happen. It used to be and feel so much easier. What’s in my way? Things are literally perfect for me to do something and I’m stuck in my own head, not doing things. Choosing to be sad and angry and upset about my moms behavior. Things like, maybe my mom brainwashed me to be irrationally protective over her and if I can’t protect her then I might as well kill myself. She’s not smart enough to do something like that. She is an expert manipulator. I learn a lot about whats wrong with me, thinking back to relationships and questioning my behavior and reactions. In a lot of the early ones theres so much disfunction. Do I really need to do that though? Is there anything good that’s going to come out of that? Probably not. Is this more creative and inventive ways to make myself feel bad?
exercise#
So far you’ve had a bunch of coffee and 6 cookies. I’ve eaten so many m&m cookies in the past 2 weeks. Almost 13 a day. Real winner. Kill yourself. Make something. Be something. Be a real person again. Its not too hard. Fuck everything. You can not care about everything for long enough to make something happen for yourself. Please. Make today a start. Make something out of yourself, out of anything. You have so many people that care and want to see you ok.
what is living supposed to be#
You have no idea. Nobody does. Be like Jesus? Buddha? Mohammad? Just kidding, he’s a pedo creep, nobody should want to be like him. Some jerk that fucks genies and 9 year olds, says he’s illiterate but can write, he’s one of those guys that makes shit up on the spot. Then became a warlord and started saying he can speak to god, then killed everyone that made fun of him. Huge insecurities over everything, you can see it in the rules of the religion. His mental illness runs through the middle of Islam. It’s a factory for churning out idiots willing to blow themselves up for the religion. Sounds great!