I cant even help myself#
Why is this a more palatable idea? I can’t even imagine helping myself. Doing something to help myself? It’s almost a repulsive idea. Which is kind of weird and interesting. There isn’t a rule saying its bad to help yourself. Am I just interested in the idea of me seeming selfless? I’m generally a nice and helpful person but I have really let myself go. As I’ve gotten worse I feel like I’m just a terrible, hopeless and helpless loser. I don’t like anything. Sometimes I can manage to study some cybersecurity and send out some resumes. I am not trying hard enough. I am not doing anything well enough. How am I going to get myself back into any kind of mental capacity to handle… anything? I just dont see it happening.
what would it take for me to be able to lie to myself long enough to get myself a job#
This is a good question and I don’t know. I’ve had this weird battle about being honest for the past few years. If you dont lie about anything it can straighten a lot of things out. Right now lying to myself about myself is very anti-core values. It’s like the main things I’ve been trying to get my mom to do, because it could help her so much. It’s painful to do at first too. Not lying to yourself and being actually honest. There’s so much armor around people and certain ideas about themselves or about the world. Which is a little weird. Why. Why can’t you just let Elon go mom? He’s obviously not real. Things have only gotten worse for you since Elon showed up. Why do you keep this idea. Why is this so important. Cant you see whats happening. just let me die.
routine#
It’s kind of odd that that is such an important thing. I wonder why that is. There are parts of the day where I do find some hope. I wonder why that is. I’m slowly starting to latch onto some kind of routine. I need to dedicate myself to a project/task/job/something. A reason to exist. A reason to live, to go on. It cant be helping my mom. She is lost and will lie to me and I will not be able to deal with that. I hate that. I would hope I could just exist because I want to be comfortable and thats good enough, but that doesn’t work. So stupid. SO PLEASE GOD HELP ME FIND SOMETHING THAT DOES. I just want things to be simple and comfortable and doable. I want my mom to find stability and be content and not crazy. My sister to be stable and get a chance to relax from my mom. Mary Lee some success on the new loom and happiness from all her groups and I suppose from me when I can manage to work myself into anything. I am a bad person. I have wasted so much time on nothing. I failed so incredibly. I hope I can move past anything and everything. My dad dying. My mom. Work. I am terrible. I can fix things. It is fixable. Its just put in the work every day and shut up and keep sharpening the rock. Dont neglect eating or exercise. Always be working and its simple. Just do that. You know how to do it you fucking retard.
i guess im a little hopeful right now#
That’s nice, I guess I should attempt to do something worth something for a bit.