So what’s it going to be this week?#
What will happen that will get in the way of me doing anything? In the way of me being a person or being anything other than a broken outsider staying outside of society, hiding, trying hard to stay out of anybodies bubbles. I don’t think I’ll ever be better. I just didn’t go to the EKG thing. The day before I asked to get my start day swtiched to a month from now. So it probably didnt happen. I dont know what to do. I do think im going to go and do that. I think that I may be able to get my cybersecurity cert. I dont know what I’m fucking doing I hate everything and I kind of wish things were over. I could just sleep. I know things can get better, I just dont think they will. I’ve been thinking about Japan. That’s a place I’ve always wanted to go to. There and Italy. Right now though, I feel like those things can’t happen. Will I be ok with that if I die and don’t go? Yes. Is that ok? Probably not. I have no fire to do anything and that’s not correct. I’ve been so stuffed up with mom anxiety and addiction and pushing my emotions away to make it through today. It’s hard to describe what this is or this feels like or what is happening. I’m supposed to talk with Mary Lee later tonight about things and I dont want to talk about anything. I want to stay hidden from the world and disappear. Maybe eat a few things before I die. Nicole is in Austin dealing with my mom and she is “finally” realizing the scammers aren’t helping her. She is just lying again though. I wish she wouldn’t. I want her to tell the truth and feel ok to be herself, but I also want her to do the right things and stop interacting with scammers. She won’t though. She’ll keep living like she needs to keep secrets to be… good? She’ll lie about talking with Elon and then let herself get talked into giving away money again. It’s her trip. Its the vacation I never went on with her. I’m a shit person and I deserve this. I haven’t been the best son and I caused her a lot of worry and grief through the years. Now I get to be on the other side of things and watch her slow train wrecks, while i stand by and hope for the best and hope I can pull myself together enough to be a real person and get a real job again. There isn’t any fixing anything now. There is just watch the bad choices I’ve made. Continue to suffer. I am hopeless. I hate it. It could be solved so easily. Stop talking with Elons and any number/person you’ve never met in real life, no gift cards or sending money, and always tell the truth. Being honest is really key. Why does she do this? Also the more I interact and think about her the worse I feel like I become. I care less about myself and more about her when I’m with her and then I start caring less about how I act and kind of act shittier and more like her. This is bad.
being good takes effort#
It does. So when someone else is purposely shitty its easy to go “fuck you too, I can do that too” and now you’re both pigs in the mud. It’s harder to stay composed and not care, and even harder still to stay composed and then help the other pig out of the mud, and turn into a person again. Not always an option either, they have to be aware of this kind of thing and care. I cant control anything, and when im down and shitty is when i wish i could control things the most. Things are one way, make them another. I know I’m a capable perosn, I’m just a wreck and dont want to start because I’m too beaten down to continue. Not true, but its what it feels like. I dont want to continue because I dont deserve it I dont deserve to be happy or feel good or capable. I feel bad and want to feel bad because I failed. I failed my mother and everyone else and don’t want to face them or anything anymore. This is just a phase. But it’s lasted years. I should be better. Why am I like this now? I used to be different, better. Harder to destroy. Wanted to live more. Wanted things.
not eating great#
Mostly cookies, burritos, bread, meat. Today I cooked rice. Ice cream. I am not taking care of myself and I should and I should want to. I want to want to. This is stupid. I am stupid. I know if I dont eat enough I cant sleep or workout. I’m hurting myself by not eating becasue I know itll make me feel worse and I want to hurt myself so I never make the same mistake again. But I already fucked up. I was going to try and have a good relationship with my mom before she dies so I couldn’t repeat the same things when my dad died. So, that turned out great. Now She’s alive but I’m treating it as she’s dead because sometimes it makes it easier. If she’s dead then I can’t worry about her doing something bad or worry about her being sad and confused. Sometimes I make myself feel bad or guilty by imagining my mom being really sad and confused and feeling alone. Then I imagine my dad in the hospital thinking about wanting to see me. I am a bad child. I’m not even a good brother, I can’t really help my sister with anything because I am useless.